I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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