i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
