Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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