My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
