I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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