awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize