yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
