at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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