Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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