Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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