Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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