Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
