Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
