someone get that fucking seahorse.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
