last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
