this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
