Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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