I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
