mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You were trust falling into bushes
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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