Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
