you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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