I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
