So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
