My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am available for nakedness
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
