ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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