He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i already hear my dad disowning me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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