Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize