I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
