Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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