There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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