Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
