i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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