Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
