Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
