I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
