I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
