you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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