she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
