I love black thongs
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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