The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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