oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Enjoy the penises
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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