My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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