my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
