I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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