he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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