At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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