If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
