yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
