I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
