The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
