I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
