I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize