i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
