Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
