i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
