Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
