I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize