Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
