It's a beautiful day for a hangover
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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