out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
