Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
