last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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