i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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